The Day Everything Changed

One of my senior pictures.

I was sitting on the couch in my apartment I shared with my boyfriend then, when the phone rang. I had just gotten back from an appointment to get back onto birth control, but they couldn’t finish the appointment because all my records hadn’t transferred from my previous doctor back home. They did, however, have me take a pregnancy test before finding out they couldn’t complete the visit. When that phone rang, I had no idea it would be about that test.

The nurse on the other end of the phone told me that they had run that pregnancy test, and the result was positive, and that I needed to know that. She urged me to go to the emergency room if I continued to have pain in my stomach, as I was describing to the nurse at my very short appointment, it could be a tubal pregnancy. When I hung up the phone, I just sat there stunned. My mind was racing a million miles a minute.

How am I supposed to raise a baby when I can barely take care of myself? How will I tell my parents? What if they’re disappointed in me? Will my friends think my life is over? I don’t even know how to cook a decent meal — how will I care for a newborn?

And then the biggest fear of all: What if the dad doesn’t want this baby? What if I have to do this alone?

I was 3,000 miles away from home, in a brand-new city, and suddenly the future that had felt wide open a month earlier now felt like it had slammed shut.

So many questions swirling in my head. I grabbed my keys and left the apartment.

I had no idea where I was going. My boyfriend had our only vehicle running an errand, so I just started walking. As I was walking around the parking lot, my boyfriend came through. He asked me what I was doing, and I just blurted out that I was pregnant. He didn’t say anything for a minute and then told me he didn’t want me to get an abortion, which was so calming to hear because there was NO way I was going to do that. He said we could look into adoption, and being so numb with emotion at the shock of this news, I just shook my head in agreement so as not to possibly start a fight. Deep down, I knew the moment he mentioned adoption, I wasn’t going to do that either. Looking back now, it amazes me how sure I was of keeping this baby. I never wavered. The baby was my responsibility, and I was going to take care of my responsibility.

I don’t remember having a ton of big emotions about this life-changing news. Yes, I was concerned about how all of this was going to work out, but deep in my soul I knew it was going to be alright. I didn’t spend a lot of time worrying or in fear about the future. I can only say that was God. Looking back, I know that peace wasn’t mine — it was God holding me steady when I didn’t know how to stand. I had peace beyond understanding at that time, and I didn’t realize it until years later.

I did allow myself to start thinking about life with a baby and my boyfriend, we would be a family, and that made me happy.

As certain as I was that I would keep this baby, I was equally uncertain about how the people in my life would react. Telling them was the next hurdle, and it terrified me.