Almost a Decade of Motherhood Before Marriage
- Vicky
- Oct 28
- 3 min read
My twenties looked very different to most of my peers. While many were figuring out college, careers, and relationships, I was raising my daughter — and learning who I was along the way. While my friends worried about exams or weekend plans, I worried about bedtime schedules, grocery budgets, and making rent. Making all the parenting decisions with her dad, who I was no longer with, proved to be challenging as well. The 7 years before I got married to Kevin were growing years for me, to say the least.
I say one major thing that had me grow up very quickly was coparenting. Here I was, 20 years old, having very little sense of who I was, and I needed to make big decisions with a person who I still wanted to be with for my daughter, but knew wasn’t right for me. The emotions of all of that got in the way for a long time. I had to REALLY wade through the emotions before being able to get to a fair and honest decision when it came to anything having to do with my daughter and how we were going to deal with certain situations. Even simple things, like agreeing on bedtime routines or discipline, felt loaded with emotion. It wasn’t just about the decision itself — it was about our history, our hurts, and our very different views of the world.
One of the hardest parts was learning to separate my emotions from the decisions we had to make as parents. That showed up in big and small ways. I can vividly remember her father telling me he wanted to take her to Florida. I voiced my concerns, trying very hard not to let myself just yell “NO WAY” at him and hang up the phone. I didn’t want her to go. She had never gone on a plane before, and she had never been that far away from me before. Every fiber in my being was screaming no. But I knew that I needed to get past the emotions of the situation and dig deep for the answer that was best for my daughter, not myself.
When I explored my feelings about it, I realized that I was jealous that he could afford to do something special like that with her, and I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to get to share something with her and be left out of it. And those reasons were not what was best for her. That was one of the first times I realized parenting wasn’t about protecting my heart — it was about protecting hers. That shift in thinking was painful but necessary.
Having to really sit with myself and explore my emotions on things vs what was best for her made me grow up quick! There were so many nights I wished I had someone to process all of this with, someone who was fully on my team. But in reality, I had to do most of the emotional heavy lifting alone. I ALWAYS wanted to come from a place of doing what was best for her, and that took a lot of maturing very quickly on my part. Not something people in their 20s at the time were having to do. It was very hard, but I can say being on the other side was the best thing I could have done for her and me. It wasn’t easy to have to make decisions on my own. Yes, her father was involved, and we were making decisions together, but it's not the same as when you’re in a loving and committed relationship. A lot of things get in the way often times of making the decision and you have to be able to wade through all of that to get to the decision.
And yet, in the middle of all the tension, loneliness, and tough decisions, something beautiful was happening…the bond that was being created with my daughter was worth all of it. Because we were growing up together essentially, we were very close, and even to this day, we have a connection. She was my little sidekick. We did everything together — errands, homework, even folding laundry became a game. Because it was just the two of us, she was woven into every part of my day
Looking back now, those years before marriage shaped me into the kind of woman and mother I am today. They taught me grit, resilience, and a strength I didn’t even know I had. I didn’t see it at the time, but God was slowly building strength and endurance in me through every challenge. Each decision, each sacrifice, was shaping me into a woman who could handle more than she ever thought possible.
